ahhh I had such a lovely day. so I woke up from the one of the worst dreams ever. and not because it was particularly scary or sad but it left me feeling so confused and worse than the day before. but then monisola came over and we spent the entire day together and idk. ugh. I just felt so good about my body today! I decided that I’m going to wear the first thing I put on and not second guess what looks good on me or not. and I did that today and I had my hair curly and it was just awesome (((:
I’m crying and that’s okay because I’ve been telling myself not to cry for such a long time and I never cried about some of these things and I need to. I do. I need to let them go. I need to just move on from them. and it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to feel like shit and be a mess right now because it’s just right now because it won’t always be like this.
I love to walk around in my underwear, not because I even love my lower half all that much but because I hate wearing pants and it’s sort of really great to walk around in your underwear and not give a shit.
I woke up this morning and changed four different times. My arms looked so big and my face too round. my roommate has the most flattering mirror ever and even in that I still look fat. i know i’m not fat. not even close. but it doesn’t stop my brain from whispering that traitorous thought. I tried on everything until I finally put on the superman shirt you gave me. back when we were in…9th grade? it’s faded and dingy and has a white spot from bleach. I slept in it last night and went to class in it and now I’m in my underwear and socks and wearing it.
I want to say that it’s making me feel better but really it’s just reminding me of you and why I’m doing this.